Knitting Paradise® - Knitting and Crochet Forum
Home | Knitting Digest | Active Topics | Newest Pictures | Search | Login | Register | Help
General Chit-Chat (non-knitting talk)
How hard it is to offer condolences when someone dies of suicide
If you would like to post a reply, then please login (if you already have an account) or register (if you don't).
Page: <<prev 1 2 3 4 5 next>>
Aug 30, 2019 08:43:09   #
flowergrower (a regular here)
 
Thank you MarilynKnits for helping to enlighten us about this delicate subject, for sharing your heart feelings with us!
 
Aug 30, 2019 08:45:14   #
jordi
 
Well; I've shed a few tears reading these posts! Life is so sad sometimes as well as unfathomable.

I will add my own line about what someone said to me after my father died from pancreatic cancer in 1990. After returning to work a co-worker who hadn't known about his being ill for a year before passing away said to me; "you are lucky; my father died suddenly of a heart attack and we didn't have any time to say goodbye to him; you had time to say goodbye". Thankfully I just kept my mouth closed but inside my head I was screaming "LUCKY; YOU MEAN THAT YEAR WE HAD WATCHING HIM DIE WAS "LUCKY"; STEP AWAY FROM ME YOU STUPID FOOL OR I'M GOING TO END UP SAYING SOMETHING YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR". Thinking afterwards I realized pretty quickly that there is no "better" way for someone to go; each situation is awful in it's own way; but never, ever tell someone they were "lucky".
Aug 30, 2019 08:56:32   #
Dsynr (a regular here)
 
After my late first husband's mother lost her two-year battle with cancer we had a strange sense of loss mingled with a feeling of almost relief that her suffering [at the end there was no way to relieve her pain but opium]was at an end. She was such a kind, compassionate woman who had raised five children alone after becoming a widow. When I married him, I could barely boil water; and she took me under her wing and spent a lot of her time teaching me to cook as long as she was able to work in her kitchen. Losing her hurt for a long time. I've been happily remarried for almost forty years now, but I still miss her.
Aug 30, 2019 09:27:23   #
Betsy Mc (a regular here)
 
No words can express the sorrow we all feel in the loss of someone dear, regardless of how. If no words come, a hug will speak for my heart.
Aug 30, 2019 09:32:23   #
gigi 722 (a regular here)
 
There are no words. We have all been touched by death, it hurts.
Aug 30, 2019 09:56:58   #
Dancin'n'Knittin' (a regular here)
 
impatient knitter wrote:
My mother was the first of my parents to die, when she was 82, from a ruptured abdominal aortal aneurysm, commonly known as a "triple A." When I returned to work a couple of days after the funeral, my best friend--a lovely woman--said to me, "I'm so sorry about your mother. It's too bad she went to hell, because she wasn't born again and baptised." I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. The only thing I could say in response was, "She didn't have to be born again and baptised...she did it right the first time!!"

We regained some footing after a time, and remained friends, but I don't think I ever felt about her again, the way I had before.
My mother was the first of my parents to die, when... (show quote)


That is a terrible thing to say!
 
Aug 30, 2019 10:19:46   #
GrandmaJJ
 
My youngest brother died on January 30, 2003. This was 5 yrs to the day after our dad passed away. I have always felt that he committed suicide although due to the way he died, it was not possible to determine that for sure. He had a lot of problems and the fact that it was on the anniversary of our father's death was just too big of a coincidence for me. However, my mom & 3 remaining siblings could not bring themselves to view his death as possibly being suicide and I felt that was their right.

I just listened to a book on tape entitled "You Before Me" by JoJo Moyes. It was about a man in his 30's who had been a financial wizard and very active physically before hand. He ended up being a quadriplegic due to an accident. The story is about him and a woman his family hires to be his companion. I think it gives a different perspective about the reasons why some people contemplate suicide. I highly recommend it.

I am sorry to say that it doesn't surprise me at all to read posts where people felt they needed to make awful comments to a loved one after they passed away. Death can sure make you realize who your true friends are!
Aug 30, 2019 10:31:11   #
pjcoldren
 
I've lived through two suicides in my immediate family - my mother and my brother. People will and do say the damndest things. My least favorite is being told, "You're a survivor." as if that were a major accomplishment. The alternative to NOT being a survivor is pretty grim . . . and not, for me, a good option. I've found that, "My your memories of "name" bring you joy always." will get me through almost anything death-related.
Aug 30, 2019 10:36:55   #
Elder Ellen
 
Ten years ago, we lost our son to suicide and I still have to deal with unpleasant remarks; however, I am always glad to hear that some people have happy memories or funny things to say about him. "Sorry that he's not here for this or that. He'd have enjoyed _____." I can't help but agree and it brings back pleasant memories of long ago. I don't think anyone really intends to hurt those who are left behind but it sometimes happens. Don't dwell on it -- remember the best! I don't really remember much about the days immediately following the event but some people who actually didn't know him (at least, not very well) sent prepared food and that was helpful -- we had a house full of family and friends to feed and I certainly was not up to cooking. It's never too late to express your feelings, send a card or whatever. I am always glad to hear that someone has pleasant memories of him.
Aug 30, 2019 10:36:56   #
Elder Ellen
 
Ten years ago, we lost our son to suicide and I still have to deal with unpleasant remarks; however, I am always glad to hear that some people have happy memories or funny things to say about him. "Sorry that he's not here for this or that. He'd have enjoyed _____." I can't help but agree and it brings back pleasant memories of long ago. I don't think anyone really intends to hurt those who are left behind but it sometimes happens. Don't dwell on it -- remember the best! I don't really remember much about the days immediately following the event but some people who actually didn't know him (at least, not very well) sent prepared food and that was helpful -- we had a house full of family and friends to feed and I certainly was not up to cooking. It's never too late to express your feelings, send a card or whatever. I am always glad to hear that someone has pleasant memories of him.
Aug 30, 2019 10:46:15   #
CindyAM
 
One of the most meaningful people that came when my father died (of cancer, not suicide) just hugged me, sat with me, held my hand and let me cry. No awkward conversations, just that she was there for me and with me. I will never forget what her kindness meant to me.
 
Aug 30, 2019 11:22:24   #
SAMkewel (a regular here)
 
Rosalie May wrote:
Years ago I read in an Ann Lander's column that suicide is a selfish act as it leaves a very heavy burden on the shoulders of the ones who are left.
I found this to be true when my son-in-law killed himself, leaving my daughter a 30 year old widow with a 4 year old and a one year old. She was beating herself up thinking "what did I do, what should I have done", etc. etc. etc.
Well, a few months ago, 29 years after the fact, we just learned that during all of his teen years he was sexually abused by his priest who was a close family friend.
After all this time my daughter now realizes he was a man broken by what happened to him by a trusted clergy, he carried that secret with him his whole life, and there was nothing she could have done to make him better. The scars ran so deep there was no way she could have "fixed" him.
Such a sad, sad situation that caused my grand children to grow up without a father.

I too, also think of suicide when an obit states "died suddenly" especially when it's a young person.

My heart goes out to anyone who goes through this because more than most, I understand, because I saw first=hand how this affects each and every person who knew and loved him/her for years and years to come.
Years ago I read in an Ann Lander's column that su... (show quote)


Suicide is an especially sad way to go because of the legacy it leaves, but I don't really see it as being selfish in that it's a final act born of sheer desperation and pain. I see people die all around me who meet early deaths because of drug use, smoking, refusal to properly care for diseases such as diabetes or obesity. Are these not slower means of suicide? Once again, we don't know what causes people to do what they. What matters after those events is what we do to assist the still living in the best way possible.
Aug 30, 2019 11:30:38   #
susandkline (a regular here)
 
This is a very thought provoking topic. I never said anything thoughtless or unkind about someone who died. Suicide is so very hurtful to all who are grieving. I'm so terribly sorry is usually what I say.
An in-law was terribly upset watching her father die recently. It was cancer, not suicide, bit the inane comments still were mentioned by his sister. She kept telling him he could still recover and this giving of false hope was disturbing his daughter. When she received the call to hurry in to the hospital, I got her attention and I could tell by her expression that she was expecting another platitude. I told her I wished her father a peaceful passing. When my father was dying, I believe that's what I would have been able to accept.
Aug 30, 2019 11:46:07   #
liz morris (a regular here)
 
My mother was very religious - church twice on Sunday, Sunday School teacher, Mother's Union, the lot. She died from a pulmonary embolism in hospital, after a suicide attempt.

I was nine, and sent to stay with our previous rector and his wife who told me that my mum had gone to live with the angels.

To this day, I don't know why she was so desperate, she was 42. It was many years ago, but I sometimes still wonder.
Aug 30, 2019 12:17:51   #
Bonner
 
In Mexico, they say, "I am so sorry for your loss." It covers everything. Anything beyond that is a mine field & best for all involved to stay out of it. I have been widowed twice & you wouldn't believe the things people said to me. I had to realize they didn't know what to say so their mouths got ahead of their brains. Asking details of the death are just curiosity & don't warrant a reply. Help them out & change the subject.
Page: <<prev 1 2 3 4 5 next>>
General Chit-Chat (non-knitting talk)
Home | Latest Digest | Back to Top | All Sections
Contact us | Privacy policy | Terms of use | Copyright
KnittingParadise.com - Forum
Copyright 2004-2016 Knitting Paradise, Inc.