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Venting about siblings and guardianship
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Sep 15, 2019 10:31:49   #
concl8ve
 
Years ago before my Father Passed away my Mother always said that she was going to move in with my youngest sister when my Dad dies. Time has passed and 2 years ago my Dad passed away. I offered to pay for a plane ticket to bring my Mother to my house for Christmas. That fell through, My Mom didn't want to fly in bad weather. Fast forward to Spring 2019. My brother asked me if I would be able to let my Mom stay at my house for a week if he drove 6 hours down and 6 hours back to pick her up. I agreed and she stayed with me for a week. Now my sister has an attitude about who knows what. She will not answer my phone calls when I inquire about my Mom. Don't know what else to do. I can't move her in with me. I don't have the money, big house or resources that she does. When my parents were both at their home I went to visit them every two years. That was my vacation. My sister never went home for 15 years. What are you gonna do.
 
Sep 15, 2019 10:40:11   #
itip2
 
families . Sometimes it ought to be a four letter word. Keep your chin up and smile.
Sep 15, 2019 10:45:28   #
Ellie RD (a regular here)
 
My question is why did mom have to move in with anybody? Are her finances that bad that she cannot afford a senior living center near one of you.
Sep 15, 2019 10:45:42   #
jemima (a regular here)
 
Like the saying goes ...You can choose your friends but not your family.
Sep 15, 2019 10:56:47   #
Pishi
 
I don’t know how old she is, but I am 85 and I hope I never have to move in with one of my children. I love them dearly, but I like my independence. I have friends in assisted living places and i hope I can afford that if it becomes necessary.
Sep 15, 2019 11:00:35   #
seamer45 (a regular here)
 
I suspect two things. One, your sister may be feeling overwhelmed and stuck. Second i have no idea what sort of estate, if any, she has and your sister may be afraid that after all she’s done she may have to share any inheritance. Saw it with my Great Uncle when he became unable to care for himself. He was a big man, about 6’5” and slim. His wife was gone, only one daughter who was adopted. He wasn’t really wealthy but there were household goods and a good deal of money to be inherited. He made her promise he’d never go to a nursing home. She kept him at home even when he was totally incapacitated and she had to care for him as for a baby. She wouldn’t send Christmas cards, answer phone calls or letters, or let any of us visit. I was shattered, I loved him like a father. But she was afraid she would have to share her inheritance if she didn’t take care of him and keep all of us away. So those of us who were close to him were shut out and hurt. He was the only sibling of 8 who didn’t ostracize my grandad doe not being married to the mother of his second family of 4 children.
 
Sep 15, 2019 11:10:26   #
smasha12 (a regular here)
 
Why not buy your mother a cell phone and pay the monthly fees? Then you’re not using your sister as a gatekeeper?
Sep 15, 2019 11:23:57   #
concl8ve
 
itip2 wrote:
families . Sometimes it ought to be a four letter word. Keep your chin up and smile.


My parents didn't have any money. They both worked in Union jobs in Illinois and half the town disappeared because all of the jobs were sent to foreign countries. They had to find what they could to get by. Their house was paid for. when my Mom finally sold it she got barely enough to pay for my Dad's medical bills. My Dad became very ill and when I went back home. ( I live in another state) to see him in the VA his Doctor told me about my Mother having early signs of Dementia and she should not be "taking care" of anyone. That is when Both parents moved in with my sister, much to my brother in laws rejection. There lies the rub as they say. He has never really been a fan of my sisters siblings. When we all went to their house for my Dad's Memorial service he never said one word to me. NOTHING. I think he has a lot of resentment about the whole thing about my parents moving in with them. I do not believe that she ever mentioned it to him about them moving in with them ahead of time. My Mom and Dad did not like moving in with them. I would have let them live with me but I have one bathroom in my house and with my Dad's health issues it would not work. She is the youngest of six kids and the only one with all the resources.
Sep 15, 2019 11:36:43   #
betsy10904
 
Ah, families. There’s always one who spoils the soup. Never fails. Been there, done that. Sorry to hear of your troubles.
Sep 15, 2019 11:41:37   #
concl8ve
 
jemima wrote:
Like the saying goes ...You can choose your friends but not your family.


My Mom is 87 and you are blessed that you are in good health. What do you attribute that to genes or just living right?
Sep 15, 2019 11:44:08   #
concl8ve
 
smasha12 wrote:
Why not buy your mother a cell phone and pay the monthly fees? Then you’re not using your sister as a gatekeeper?


My mom has a cell phone but apparently has been taken away or she just forgot about it. I did call my Mom several times never got through. Left messages and called my sisters cell too.
 
Sep 15, 2019 12:05:25   #
aprilla
 
betsy10904 wrote:
Ah, families. There’s always one who spoils the soup. Never fails. Been there, done that. Sorry to hear of your troubles.


We were lucky in our case. Despite who 'had/hadn't resources' all siblings set up a monthly bank payment to help support their mother for as long as it would take, while allowing her to believe she was self-sufficient. It wasn't all left to one person but shared as equally as possible, including visits and respites. Yes, one person did have the daily responsibility but the burden (if that's what to call it) was shared as best it could be.
I think it seems as you describe because it's not something that's discussed unless there are problems. I hope so anyway. I think it must be very hard for a person to see relations in difficulty, squabbling or falling out because of them, and nothing they can do.
Sep 15, 2019 12:47:15   #
farmlady
 
aprilla wrote:
We were lucky in our case. Despite who 'had/hadn't resources' all siblings set up a monthly bank payment to help support their mother for as long as it would take, while allowing her to believe she was self-sufficient. It wasn't all left to one person but shared as equally as possible, including visits and respites. Yes, one person did have the daily responsibility but the burden (if that's what to call it) was shared as best it could be.
I think it seems as you describe because it's not something that's discussed unless there are problems. I hope so anyway. I think it must be very hard for a person to see relations in difficulty, squabbling or falling out because of them, and nothing they can do.
We were lucky in our case. Despite who 'had/hadn't... (show quote)

What a great idea if a family can work together to do that.
My mother lived with me for 19 years and it is not easy even under the best of conditions.
Sep 15, 2019 13:01:37   #
run4fittness (a regular here)
 
smasha12 wrote:
Why not buy your mother a cell phone and pay the monthly fees? Then you’re not using your sister as a gatekeeper?


I like this idea.
Sep 15, 2019 13:01:57   #
Knitting in the Rockys (a regular here)
 
concl8ve wrote:
My parents didn't have any money. They both worked in Union jobs in Illinois and half the town disappeared because all of the jobs were sent to foreign countries. They had to find what they could to get by. Their house was paid for. when my Mom finally sold it she got barely enough to pay for my Dad's medical bills. My Dad became very ill and when I went back home. ( I live in another state) to see him in the VA his Doctor told me about my Mother having early signs of Dementia and she should not be "taking care" of anyone. That is when Both parents moved in with my sister, much to my brother in laws rejection. There lies the rub as they say. He has never really been a fan of my sisters siblings. When we all went to their house for my Dad's Memorial service he never said one word to me. NOTHING. I think he has a lot of resentment about the whole thing about my parents moving in with them. I do not believe that she ever mentioned it to him about them moving in with them ahead of time. My Mom and Dad did not like moving in with them. I would have let them live with me but I have one bathroom in my house and with my Dad's health issues it would not work. She is the youngest of six kids and the only one with all the resources.
My parents didn't have any money. They both worked... (show quote)


Why aren't you and your other siblings helping out with the cost of your mother's care? All of this is falling on your sister, which is unfair, to say the least. Just because your sister has resources doesn't mean she should be expected to carry the full load. Can't the rest of you each chip in a little every month to ease the burden on your sister?
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