[iSpinner]

I have a big problem and I hope it's ok to post it here. If not please remove.

I've been married for almost 15 years now. We've had our ups and we've had our downs. We managed to get through it and I thought we were doing fine.

Just yesterday I found out my dh was sexting (sex talk +texting) on facebook in a sext group called "guilty pleasures" (I didn't even know they had these kinds of things on facebook) and I'm just devastated over it.

What's worse is every time he "liked" or commented on some naked picture of some nasty woman, our 14 year old daughter saw it since they are friends. She was scared to tell me because she didn't want to hurt me. She's really sheltered as I'm a bit over protective and she's still very innocent. She started telling me the comments he was making and asking me what they meant. I wonder how her young mind is processing seeing her father participating in such filth...how that makes her see him differently, you know?

Is it cheating?? Because it sure feels like it is. It's amazing to me, I really thought thought I knew him. We are such a stable family and it feels like the rug was pulled out from under my feet and I landed flat on my face.

I'm so hurt he disrespected me the way he did and even more so that my child was a witness to his stupidity.

Again I am so sorry as I know this may be a touchy subject for some but I needed to vent a little.

Thanks for allowing me. :-(

 

[CarolfromTX]

Get counseling. For you, for him, and most of all for your daughter.

 

[Minnow]

I'm so sorry to hear what is happening to your family. Whatever you are feeling is right, no one can possibly understand exactly how you feel. I hope you can find someone nearby that you can talk to and who will give you comfort as you work through all the pain , bewilderment and anger.
My prayers are with you all.

 

[Linday]

I think it is cheating. This is a real mess and my heart goes out to you and your daughter having been subjected to this.

He may not think this is cheating since no physical contact occurred. Where was his head, that he didn't consider that everyone he is friends with on FB could see what he was doing? I think some counselling is in order for all of you to deal with this betrayal.

 

[Pennyrose98]

My opinion is that if you wouldn't say it or do it front of your significant other it is cheating. I hope that makes sense.

 

[jumbleburt]

I agree that it is cheating, and that all of you could benefit from counseling.

 

[mojave]

Step 1. Request, again request as in not demand, your daughter unfriend your husband from her Facebook page. In as calm a tone of voice as you can manage, explain you don't want her involved in her father's online adult activities.
Having her linked does allow you to view your husband's activities, BUT it also forces your daughter to choose sides. It is best to let children be as neutral as they want to be.

 

[laurelarts]

If you feel betrayed, and I'm sure you do, then it's cheating.

 

[mojave]

I.

Just yesterday I found out my dh was sexting (sex talk +texting) on facebook in a sext group called "guilty pleasures" (I didn't even know they had these kinds of things on facebook) and I'm just devastated over it.

What's worse is every time he "liked" or commented on some naked picture of some nasty woman, our 14 year old daughter saw it since they are friends. She was scared to tell me because she didn't want to hurt me. She's really sheltered as I'm a bit over protective and she's still very innocent. She started telling me the comments he was making and asking me what they meant. I wonder how her young mind is processing seeing her father participating in such filth...how that makes her see him differently, you know?(

Checked with a knowledgeable friend. She said if CPS (Child Protective Services) gets wind of your husband involving your daughter in his sex games - your daughter will be removed from your home ASAP. It is a form of child abuse, felony level.

 

[iSpinner]

Checked with a knowledgeable friend. She said if CPS (Child Protective Services) gets wind of your husband involving your daughter in his sex games - your daughter will be removed from your home ASAP. It is a form of child abuse, felony level.

Thank you for letting me know.

 

[gagesmom]

My opinion is that if you wouldn't say it or do it front of your significant other it is cheating. I hope that makes sense.

I agree

 

[iSpinner]

I appreciate your kind words everyone.

 

[janwalla]

Good advice Mojave. Also Id confront your husband and ask him if he realises his daughter is seeing and reading everything he is doing on facebook. If he is not aware that might just make him wake up and stop. If he is aware your daughter is "at risk". best of luck to you I cant imagine what you must be feeling.x

 

[Omnivore]

Yes I see that as cheating in itself

 

[iSpinner]

Good advice Mojave. Also Id confront your husband and ask him if he realises his daughter is seeing and reading everything he is doing on facebook. If he is not aware that might just make him wake up and stop. If he is aware your daughter is "at risk". best of luck to you I cant imagine what you must be feeling.x

Yes I told him. He didn't realize his privacy settings were incorrect and that people, including our daughter were seeing was he was posting in that group (not sure if I fully believe that). It did wake him up big time. He's really embarrassed and very apologetic (not that I care about that right now). He's closed his facebook account (I checked) and we will be going to counseling as well as my daughter. Just so stupid. Stupid stupid stupid.

 

[Omnivore]

Appropriate response; good for you.

 

[mojave]

The actions your husband took since you confronted him and his remorse are reasons to hope for a positive outcome from the counseling.

Now comes the tough part: can you avoid playing the blame game? Every angry accusation you make will come back to haunt you in a bad way. The remarks will have the effect of making your husband feel defensive and perhaps trigger a backlash.

You are not required to suffer in silence. Using the "I" message and a calm demeanor, you are allowed to inform him how you feel. Examples: I am angry. I am hurt. I feel betrayed.
Say it one time; repetitions tend to make the other person defensive, potential backlash, etc.

Another thought: you may be dealing with the early stages of an adrenaline addiction. Remember how excited your husband made you feel in the first year of your relationship? Adrenaline was partly responsible for that. Interacting with others in that online group most likely stimulated your husband; he enjoys the excitement because it makes him feel more alive in comparison to most of his daily activities.

Best wishes for a good outcome.

 

[Laura Lee]

Appropriate response; good for you.

Good for you! Good luck!

 

[Omnivore]

Appropriate response; good for you.

Good for you! Good luck!

 

[Stablebummom]

Good advice Mojave. Also Id confront your husband and ask him if he realises his daughter is seeing and reading everything he is doing on facebook. If he is not aware that might just make him wake up and stop. If he is aware your daughter is "at risk". best of luck to you I cant imagine what you must be feeling.x

Yes I told him. He didn't realize his privacy settings were incorrect and that people, including our daughter were seeing was he was posting in that group (not sure if I fully believe that). It did wake him up big time. He's really embarrassed and very apologetic (not that I care about that right now). He's closed his facebook account (I checked) and we will be going to counseling as well as my daughter. Just so stupid. Stupid stupid stupid.

Great first step for you and your family! Counseling will be very helpful. But remember-the first counselor may not work for all of you. Or you may all need to be seen separately for awhile.